Broken Record

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These lyrics mean so much to me on so many levels, it's difficult to put into words. The obvious musical reference is to a vinyl record that skips, and repeats a segment over and over. And that echolalia* is what I hear from Muggy so many times everyday that I will tell him, "son, you're stuck - you have said that to me already 4 or 5 times". I try to be gentle, because I know it is a coping mechanism that for some reason gives him comfort, but on bad days, if I'm in pain or frustrated I've lashed out at him and raised my voice saying, "ENOUGH! I heard you the first time, you don't have to repeat it to me 10 times!". And I immediately regret it and appologize to him when I see the hurt look on his face, because it's not his fault. It's just one of his quirks, but sometimes I wonder if my rare outbursts are possibly helping him for the future when he is socializing with his peers, because as he matures I seem to see less of the echolalia. I love him and accept his quirks, but I'm sure his superiors/friends/acquaintances/lovers won't be as understanding.

Moving on, while writing this song I mentally saw him as a small child, happily skipping away from me, dwindling into the distance until he is gone. It hurts.

Other things began to occur to me the more I thought about it: how it could represent a break or "skip" in record keeping, like the break in his genetic code that caused his autism, and how it seems we, as parents of autistic children, are like tiny voices in an ocean of shouters trying to get help for our children, as the general "normal" population (who can never truly understand our lives) just skips over our cries, ignoring us because it's our problem, not theirs.

In the meantime, I see him as NOT broken, just different, and try to never skip an opportunity to give him all my love and understanding, as I futilely attempt to hold on to these moments I cherish that are so fleeting. As I grow older I feel the time slipping ever more quickly through my fingers, like trying to hold a handful of water, or tears.

* Echolalia: meaningless repetition of another person's spoken words as a symptom of psychiatric disorder. The use of echolalia in task response to facilitate generalization is an area that holds much promise. Marjorie H. Charlop performed a series of task experiments with autistic children. The results suggest that perhaps in certain tasks (i.e., receptive labeling), echolalia should not be eliminated, but taken advantage of as it may facilitate acquisition and generalization for autistic children.

A symptom of some ASD children is the struggle to produce spontaneous speech. Studies have shown that in some cases echolalia is used as a coping mechanism allowing an autistic person to contribute to a conversation when unable to produce spontaneous speech. I curse myself for my impatience and irritation at his echoes, when I should be joyful that he is making such an effort to communicate with me. Sometimes I feel like a real piece of shit.

Skipping away....
_{Picture by Thijs Knaap . Photo used with permission under this license:
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic License.}